Friday, October 19, 2007

It's All About Me.

As if you were in any doubt!
WARNING: self-indulgent dribbley post ahead. Feel free to skip today and come back tomorrow.



It's a funny day for me. Offspring #1 is at school and Offspring #2 has gone off to her second day at child-care. I have a new job (more on that in later posts when I have more details) which won't start for another week or so and I'm sitting in a house all alone. And it will be this way until 2.30 this afternoon.



This hasn't happened in... well since I was pregnant with #2 and so sick that #1 had to go to child-care because I couldn't look after him on my own while Hubby was at work.



It's a really odd feeling. I have been a SAHM for the past two-years and, despite my misgivings at times, I have really enjoyed it. I have been defined by my kids for all that time and today they aren't here. I'm at a bit of a loose end. The house is relatively clean, and while the living room could do with a vacuum my OCD is ramping up at all the changes that are taking place and I'm not sure I'd be able to stop at just vacuuming so I'll wait till tomorrow when everyone is home and I'm more pressed for time. I'm well aware of my OCD triggers and, having dealt with a bit of craziness not that long ago, am working hard on not letting it take over.



Offspring #1 is coping pretty well with the proposed changes. We had a couple of practice runs this week of me walking him to his class then kissing him goodbye and leaving rather than going in with him and doing puzzles, etc, together. Offspring #2 was not thrilled with child-care on Wednesday. As I left she was screaming, "no, my mummy." It was heartbreaking but to put a positive spin on it, it was her first proper sentence so her language skills are developing! I figure I'd better laugh at this stuff or I'll cry myself silly and never go back to work. She is an independant, inquisitive and friendly little person and I am totally confident that she will love daycare when she gets used to it. She has never been far away from me and moving here meant a real lack of babysitters so she's never really had anyone else look after her. Once she gets used to the new routine, understands that I'm not deserting her and I will be back this afternoon, and that it is only three days a week so she'll still have Mummy all to herself a couple of days of the week I know that she'll love her daycare as much as #1 loved his. Of course none of this is actually helping me right now!
The dumbest thing is that I'm soooooooo ready to be working. I need to do something with my brain, I need to do stuff where people do what I tell them to (rather than them throwing a screaming tantrum on the kitchen floor and telling me I'm a "bery bad mummy"), and I need to get back into the workplace for my own sense of worth. I love being a mum but I can't say I love being JUST a mum. I know there is no such thing as JUST a mum, so don't flame me, I mean that the role of 'mum' while fulfilling, isn't quite fulfilling enough for me. I admire, even envy, women who want to be with their kids all day and get such a sense of self-worth from that role. I don't feel that way and I'm okay with it. I really feel like I have been incredibly lucky to have been able to have this time at home with the kids, and that was partly possible because of our decision to move to Red Dirt Central so for all my whinging about living here - if we didn't I would have been back at work well over 12 months ago.
For the positive spin:
- I'm really looking forward to my new job, what I can achieve in it, and the new challenges I'm going to face;
- Offspring #1 is doing well at school, he is feeling secure and his confidence is steadily growing;
- Offspring #2 is an independant, inquisitive and friendly little person who will settle into daycare quite happily, once she gets used to it.
- Hubby's looking forward to the second income :)
Thanks for being my free therapy session today!

4 comments:

Iris Flavia said...

Cross my fingers your colleagues will throw no tantrums on any floors!! :-)

Karen Beth said...

I can only imagine how hard today must be for you. If I were to become a Mother, I wouldn't want to be JUST a Mother either. I think that all women should have their OWN, SEPARATE identities and I don't think it is all that odd of you at all to want that. In fact, MOST people I know who are Mothers have either carved out an identity for themselves or long for one and feel unfulfilled because they don't have one.

I know you will find your niche and your own, separate identity as a woman. Maybe your new job will be just the thing for that. I can't wait to hear about it!

xo,

Karen Beth :)

Melody said...

Good luck a a big 'Yay!' for you!!!!

Red Dirt Mummy said...

Thanks Ladies.

And LOL, Iris. You made me laugh and then I spit my mouthful of hot tea all over myself!